Jaded or unconcerned?  Neither??

Who… ARE you people?  I mean, really now… I am pretty sure you don’t actually know or understand the real me if you keep on getting close to me or letting me in 😉  I’ve got quite the bite on me, and when I get a hold of you, I don’t let go and neither do you, yet I’m also untouchable all at the same time, kind of a magic trick or a mystery, but I’ll choose for you so don’t be long, because by the time you’re done reading this… I just forwarded another cerebrum rant to you and yours…

I’ve been led astray for a long while now, and I’m not about to give it up now.  Actually, the term ‘give up’ really doesn’t compute or process well in my head unless I’m using it to give advice to my enemies in need…

I miss A LOT… people, things, places… mostly people, naturally.  You can’t miss a possession as much as an actual human being, because most THINGS you can always later acquire again, or they came out with something better anyways, so you are just living on fond memories of something that is actually quite shitty… FURTHERMORE… I miss people.

Who do I miss?  I would love to imagine that they know who they are… it’s really a funny thing, maybe I am just beyond fucked up, like in every literal sense of the actual term, I must be completely wrong on what I do to people or how I handle friendships/relationships/etc.  Perhaps you could leave a comment on let me know if I really am fucked up… perhaps some examples are needed?  I can’t be too detailed but I don’t want to be too brief either, I’m a giver at heart… never wanted to be this… this… TAKER!!

How dare I miss those that I let go, right?  It’s like saying, oh… well you DID basically ask for this, set it up, let it get out of control and watched it explode in your face as you idled by on the sidelines waiting, wondering… withering… ?

How can I be so sure though?  To just COMMIT excessively and emotionally FULLY to ONE individual?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that notion at all, in fact it’s sane, normal and right… it’s just!  However, for me, I can’t seem to find enough of the ‘right’ to warrant a stray even for a day from the ‘wrong’.  To call me addicted to my current life style would be quite the understatement.  If sleepless nights, fits of rage and the wildest dreams coming true are the side affects, I better skip my next medical check up because I don’t want a change…

…Unless…

That change comes to ME and I don’t have to be the one to change.  I hate that I let down a few people.  I feel sorry, I feel really bad and I know that I’m going to be Karma’s best customer for quite some time now, but I am ok with that… not purely, but the adjustment scene is kicking in and I got a large popcorn with layered, buttery regrets, and with some sympathy seasonings just in case.  I taught myself to NOT care and to NOT have regrets… at this point in my life it is something that is buried deep within me, instilled throughout my past, present and the road ahead.

I want to connect with those I miss… I really do… but I must put this out there once again…

I am stubborn.  Unbelievably so.  Even though I know how to follow my hearts pace to the beat of your very own, it is something I can never do… there is no chase in me for that, I’ve out chased the uncatchable and held on for dear life only to be the one chased in the end… I need you to chase me… and catch me… <3


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