So it’s over? ^_^ Regret, castles built of out of control fears, and roads winding into narrow minded visions…
I saw a new future this evening. The taste was bitter sweet on the tip of my tongue, like I’ve tasted this future before but simply always scoffed at it and would never have the notion to embrace it, let alone even face it… or accept it. Yet, tonight… I will, for one night only, accept this drama induced vision I have always had for the past couple of years now, that has especially grown stronger this year.
First of all… I haven’t made a Whippin Sean video in YEARS!! I mean, a real, genuine WS video that I am easily capable of doing. What is wrong, a lack of lust for life, or wrong circumstances, or am I just not good enough? The latter seems to fit my current self the best. Not that I hate to say it, it’s just the truth. I am sitting on so much wasted talent and dreams just waiting to come true, but I suppose the kind of life I’ve chosen to live the past few years would definitely have a lot to do with my current mood and the atmosphere of my mind.
Even all the songs and music I have made have all been completely lackluster and with very little effort put towards ANY of it. It’s fairly obvious, but for some, if not a lot, they seem to really enjoy some of my songs, but I for the life of me cannot get past the fact that most of them were written in one sitting or sometimes in less than 10 mins. I have been coasting by, gliding by the hard stuff for an easy way out. Sorry, it’s very evident and it’s the truth. Not JUST with my music either…
It’s hard to want to do all the things I used to do when everything around me has literally changed so much, and I am complaining! It’s actually very depressing in strange way for me, as I am never one to give into such depression, but why the hell not, this is a ONE night only affair, because tomorrow I’ll be a very happy, energetic and fiery Whippin Sean, this is just self-loathing and explaining my own self-demise for one night only… it’s up to you to figure out if this is how I honestly feel about my life on a daily basis or if this is simply just another… rant…
The biggest pain in the ass thing to ever go through is knowing someone for a long time, then never seeing them again, or even forgetting them entirely, losing memories slowly, and inevitably losing faith for that person. This… happens to me too much. For some people, no… wait, who the fuck am I kidding? I am literally ALONE in this boat because I did a lot of shitty things to really good people, all of whom were girls. So, this self-demise is really all done by myself. I want to find it in me to continue like I have before, but it’s really a fucked up feeling that overshadows everything else in your life at times. The simple thought of remembering experiences with someone and then realize that person is completely out of your life in every way.
That’s pain. Brought on by myself, all of it.
Now a days, I just try to figure out how one is supposed to deal with or even suppress this harsh reality. Sure, it’s easy to go on with your life and start a new, all over again, but you can’t help but put yourself on a pedestal and point your own finger at your own, selfish, ugly self. When it happened as many times as it did for me, clearly there is a big problem. Real people that exit my life because of my own selfishness and stupidity is so hard to accept. You know someone for so long… then all of a sudden there is that void, I just hope I am not alone in this… please, anyone if you are reading this, let me know that I am not alone, because that would honestly feel really good…
How can I even continue when the present can be so ugly, and so underwhelming. Accept change? Accept these horrible things around me as a good thing? No… I will not. I cannot! Nobody passed a flame on to me a long time ago, the flame came from within me and I, and I alone have been keeping it lit till now. Your change is like a cold wind set to only diminish my flame that was once burning for you as well… YOU…
How easy can you let yourself change so drastically, how can you forget about everything and everyone? You, you… and you… this is dedicated to you few, yes, very few, but a few that are more important to me as people than almost ANYONE else…
However, for tonight only, you have succeeded in your intimidation and your own fears have been cast down upon my very own plane. I see nothing else tonight but regret, castles built of out of control fears, and roads winding into narrow minded visions.
Lay my future down in front of me, tonight, it is dull, bleak and without any momentum. Let me change with you, let me accept your stories. I ‘Like’ your new life. This can work for me. Momentarily, though. After a few mere moments, I will drown in my own blood. This world just is not enough for me to want to keep, your loves are just not enough for me to want to stake, everything in me is burning away slowly and it can never be recovered. Is this just for one night only?
One night, one life, far gone and seemingly forgotten. I cannot continue like this. Drastic measures cannot even be had, this is my shining moment of discovery that I… have failed. To fail, as badly as I have failed… has a shade of beauty to it, a dark shade but beauty none the less. I will accept that. You win. You always have.
Just don’t forget, this is only for tonight… one night. See you… never! ^_-
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