Dreaming money, planning world changing, hand in hand?

Some people think that without a lot of money, you can’t achieve your dreams, or that unless you do what they think is right, it’s not ‘right’, or that they are just trying to help, just giving you advice.  They don’t understand that what I am pursuing is art, 2 different forms of art, filmmaking and music.  Unfortunately, no amount of money in the world can ever make a good idea come to mind, nor can it motivate you when the raw talent or ideas just are not always there at all times.  Yes, having more money would make me happier, and I might do something about that in the very near future, but what is it all for without the determination and the drive to see it all through, which I have, but just need a refill.  You feeling me?

I have dreams.  I have goals.  I have plans to achieve the goals that were once just dreams.  Plans don’t always work out exactly as… planned, but what’s important is that you never give up, and make sacrifices like I have, and I’m sure you are thinking I have not made any at all, but that’s because you don’t know the half of it.

To make a video like I do, for example, requires a lot out of me, because I have not put out a single video in the 10+ years that has left me satisfied, or even a sense of minor accomplishment.  I think you should know that I see thinks very realistically, and I know where I go wrong, but I don’t dwell in it.  I film some shit, put it out for all to see, and I’m done with it.  It was a learning experience.  It was fun.  It brought me one step closer to the real achievements that I believe have still yet to come.

This is not for lack of trying or effort, nor is it a lack of pursuing the dreams.  It’s not like I look back at the Whippin Sean Ziff Davis video as a complete failure, I just always think about how much better it could have been, or what I could have implemented better, that’s all?  A lot of people like that one video, which I always use an example because it’s the main attraction for most, and I like it too, but I don’t even let THAT define me.  You still feeling me?

My mind might be fucked up to you, and you might think some things about me that just are not true, too!  Because I never ever truly show what I’m really feeling, or what I’m really thinking, because I believe in a certain level or prosperity through keeping somethings under wrapped.  Just understand that you may never understand me.  I tried to explain myself to everyone for years, and years now, if not through vocal exchanges, definitely through written mind spills all over this internet.

I don’t make it difficult, or hard.  You want to hate because you don’t understand or you want to feel sorry because you figure I need sympathy.  I don’t need or want anything I have.  It could all go away today and I wouldn’t be in a worse position or situation, because I am constantly on the the go, in my mind, looking for those hidden treasures that I lost so long ago.  Without my passion, without the fire for it, what good is anything else?  I believe in that… I really do.  You don’t deserve a good life if you can’t make it a better one, and not just for yourself, so close the door of no pressure and easy, and back away from that day to day life you put a lot into… be prepared to give it all up for the sake of self-inflicted punishment in the form of mental and physical therapy.  I get so lost, so easily… so distracted, so lazy… it’s pathetic… but I know this.  I live it… I see it… but I won’t keep it… no, not for much longer…


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