Realizations Abound

33.  My actual physical age of life on this planet of stuff.  What else does it mean to me, anyways?  The older you get the wiser you become, the old adage goes.  I feel wiser, I know I’ve become more rational, thoughtful and careful in decisions I make.  Yet, through it all I realize that the older I become the less inclined my levels of toleration appear to want to grow up with me.  Simply put, I know that deep down… I wouldn’t think twice anymore for really fucked up stuff.

I mean, fucked up to an outsider and only somewhat to myself.  Intentions aside, as often as they usually lead me horribly astray, I speak of a fucked up sense of just, right and wrong, or what simply sometimes just feels good.  Acting on a moment rather than letting the moment act itself out before I make a move.  I don’t know.  I am wiser.  In every way I know I am better than what it is I have ultimately become, my recent progress of a lot of things will attest to this.  Yet, is it anger that does me in or keeps me going?  Is it a controllable chaos I seek but often let control myself?  Perhaps…

I thrive on chaos at the best and worst of times in my life.  Chaos, not relentless, no… of course not.  Controlled.  Why did I do that the other day or this, that… etc.  Why would I purposely put myself in such a situation to begin with, some of which act as a second job just to dig myself out of.  I digress, point is… most of it is not all that bad, but a few instances I think back on and wonder if I’d ever do worse or maybe learn from it and do better?

I realize it all.  That’s my key to happiness regardless of temperaments of any given day.  It feels great to know your own faults and accept them.  Please, give it a go sometime… faggot.

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