Trackpad on my laptop, I loathe thee as of late, to say I’d wish for nothing more than to stab through you with my tv remote would be a grave understatement.

I digress….

They don’t know anymore, but I’m still here.  That feeling of actually feeling something at the worst, most inconvenient time is upon myself once again.

I don’t think of anyone or anything more than you at this time of year.  The feeling occupies my absurd life at the best and worst of times.  It’s inescapable most of the time.

What it was, was a moment we shared in a parking lot outside a supermarket what seems like ages ago now.  Inside the car, with an exchange of a gift for me, from you, in exchange I proved the ultimate fool that I am.  Fuck.  Memory often replayed during the holiday seasons.  I still have said gift.  I still have fondness.

Just look at what this all became.  I turn my head, left to right, I don’t see a life built with courage and an attitude you respected.  I see an easy life, I see an arrangement of “that’s good enough”, a bouquet of temporary things filling temporary voids.  My, what a void this has become.  I want you to know that without a moments notice, I would let our voids pull together, again and re-create the world in which it should have always been…

Somber choices abound.  Though, I feel that there may still be one auspicious decision in the perfect origami-like life we made apart.  We feel safe for now, but to be bold, to become a risk again.  This is no adventure I am on any more, can you not see that?  Our destination was met long ago, dear.

I’ll become that risk for you again…

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